Episode 1.1 "Yankee White"

Gibbs: Rule number three; Don't believe what you're told. Always double check.
ギブス：ルール3、言われたことを鵜呑みにするな。必ず再確認しろ。

Kate: Should I write these on my Palm Pilot, or crochet them on pillows?
ケイト：それって携帯端末にメモした方がいいですか？それとも枕に刺繍しましょうか？

Abby: There's a futon, under the cabinet over there
アビー：あそこのキャビネットの下に布団があるわよ。

Tony: Oh, bless you!
ト二―：お〜ありがと。神のご加護がありますように！

Abby: What are you, my priest?
アビー：何それ？神父のつもり？

Kate: You know, when you're on the job 24/7, how else do you get to know someone?
ケイト：毎日1日中仕事ばかりしてたら、職場以外のどこに出会いがあるっていうの？
(24/7、1日24時間、週に7日＝毎日1日中ってこと)

Gibbs:Church.
ギブス：教会。

Dennis: NCIS. Never heard of it.
デニス：NCIS。聞いたことないわ。

Gibbs: That’s embarrassing.
ギブス：屈辱的だな。

（知られてないとは、恥ずかしいなっていうこと）

Coroner: Hello Ducky. How’d you like those steaks I air-expressed you?
検視官：やぁダッキー、航空速達便で送ったステーキは気に入ったかい？

Ducky: Delicious.
ダッキー：とてもおいしかったよ。

Fornell: He air-expressed him steaks?
フォーネル：彼はダッキーに航空速達便でステーキを送ったのか？

Kate: It’s a big state. Look how long it took him to get here.
ケイト：大きい州だもの。彼がここに到着するのにかかった時間を考えたらわかるでしょ。

Gibbs: Hey! Cockpit’s on the top deck.
ギブス：コックピットは一番上の階だ。

Tony: I knew that.
ト二―：わかってますよ。

Gibbs: Did you enjoy playing my boss?
ギブス：俺のボス役は楽しかったか？

Ducky: I did, rather.
ダッキー：まぁ割とね。

Tony: Gibbs? Pilot won’t take off until the secret service chick gives her thumbs up.
ト二―：ギブス、パイロットはシークレットサービスから許可が下りない限り離陸しないようです。

Kate: I think that just made it my team.
ケイト：ってことは私がこの捜査の責任者ね。

（私のチームってことになるわね、ってことなので、自分が捜査の指揮をする立場になるわね、ってことです。）

Gibbs: No. I think it means I just have to hijack Air Force One.
ギブス：いや。ってことは、エアフォースワンをハイジャックするしかないってことだ。

Kate: Your team. But only because I don’t wanna delay us further by having to shoot you.
ケイト：わかったわ。あなたが責任者ね。でもそれはあなたを撃ってこれ以上出発を遅らせたくないからよ。

Fornell: Why is your medical examiner taking the body to Washington?
フォーネル：なぜお宅の検視官は遺体をワシントンに運びたいんだ？

Coroner: Never said he was MY medical examiner.
検視官：「うちの」検視官とは言っていませんよ。

Kate: I can't give him Air Force One's floor plans, they're top secret!
ケイト：エアフォースワンの見取り図を彼に渡せるわけがないじゃない。トップシークレットなのよ！

Gibbs: Come on, Agent Todd. I saw all this in a Harrison Ford movie.
ギブス：Todd捜査官、いいじゃないか。もうハリソン・フォードの映画ですべて見たよ。

（ハリソン・フォード出演の「エアフォース・ワン」って映画ですね。ロシア人テロリストにハイジャックされて、大統領がみんなを救うんです。）

Gibbs: NCIS does not leak. These plans get out... you can shoot DiNozzo.
ギブス：NCISは情報を漏洩したりしない。もし見取り図がどこかに流出したら・・・DiNozzoを撃ってくれ。

Kate: No, I think I'm destined to shoot you.
ケイト：いいえ、そうなったらあなたを撃つべきだわ。

（責任者はギブスだから、ってことですね。）

Ducky: I thought your photo analysis was brilliant, Tony. But isn’t 36D a bit of wishful thinking?
ダッキー：君の写真分析は素晴らしいと思うよ、トニー。でも36Dっていうのはちょっと希望的観測が入ってないかい？

Tony: Yeah maybe it was.
ト二―：もしかしたらそうかも。

Gibbs: Rule number one: Never let suspects stay together.
ギブス：ルール1、容疑者たちを一緒にいさせるな。

Gibbs: Rule number two: Always wear gloves at a crime scene.
ギブス：ルール2、犯罪現場では常に手袋をしろ。

Gibbs: Rule number three: Never believe what your told always double check.
ギブス：ルール3、言われたことを鵜呑みにするな。必ず再確認しろ。

Ducky: Well, if you don’t work with him, then how… Ah!
ダッキー：彼と一緒に働いているわけじゃないとしたら、なんで・・ああなるほど！

Kate: Did you think I was a virgin?
ケイト：私が処女だとでも思ったの？

Ducky: I’d hoped not.
ダッキー：まさか、そうでないことを願うよ。

Gibbs: If you two are through taking pictures of each other maybe we can move this body aft.
ギブス：お互いの写真を撮るのが終わったらこの遺体を船尾に運んでくれるか。

(2人がふざけあっていることへの嫌味ですね）

Gibbs: Never say you’re sorry.
ギブス：絶対に謝罪するな。

Gibbs: Please?
ギブス：頼むよ。

Abby: Wow! Gibbs said “Please".
アビー：わお！ギブスが「頼むよ」って言った！

Ducky: Nature always proves to be a far more illusive and powerful killer than men.
ダッキー：自然っていうのは常に人間よりも幻想的で、強力な殺人者だ。

Gibbs: I heard you quit, Agent Todd.
ギブス：Todd捜査官、辞職したと聞いたよ。

Kate: Happy news gets around fast. Yes, I resigned. It was the right thing to do.
ケイト：いいニュースはすぐに広まるわね。ええ、辞職しました。それが適切だと。

Gibbs: Yep. Pull that crap at NCIS, I won’t give you a chance to resign.
ギブス：NCISに来たらどうだ。辞職するような目には合わせないぞ。

Kate: Is that a job offer?
ケイト：それは仕事の申し出ですか？

Secuirty Guard: Okay, you can go through the metal detectors, but your bags gotta go through the scanner.
警備員：そこの金属探知機を通ってくれ。でもバッグはスキャナーを通す必要がある。

Gibbs: Wait a minute, you're letting us take weapons on board, and you wanna scan our bags?
ギブス：ちょっと待ってくれ。武器を持っての搭乗を許可したくせにバッグをスキャンするのか？

Secuirty Gaurd: Well, you've got permits for the weapons. You don't for the bags.
警備員：まあね、武器に対しての許可は取ったかもしれないけど、バッグの許可は取ってないだろ。

Gibbs: We're LEO's.
ギブス：俺たちはレオだ。

（レオ（しし座）とも聞こえるのでデニスが次のように答えます。）

Dennis: Ah, I'm a Capricorn.
デニス：あ、私は山羊座よ。

Tony: LEO, short for Law Enforcement Officer.
ト二―：LEOってのはLaw Enforcement Officer（法執行官とか警察）の略だよ。

Baer: I'm going to be doing paper work for a week.
ベーア：一週間、事務処理をしなきゃならない。

Gibbs: Oh yeah, me too.
ギブス：俺もだよ。

Baer: Agent Todd told me about her and Major Kerry when she tendered her resignation.
Todd捜査官から彼女が辞表を提出した時に彼女とケリー少佐の話を聞いたよ。

Gibbs: You accepting?
ギブス：認めてるのか？

Kate: I may not know the finer points of investigating, like sticking needles in liver and measuring swimsuit models, but I do know enough to hold the stewards who prepared and served the President's lunch.
ケイト：確かに私は、肝臓に針を刺したり、モデルの3サイズを予想したりするような捜査の詳細は知らないかもしれないけど、大統領のランチを用意したり給仕している客室乗務員を捕まえる必要があることくらいわかるわよ。

Gibbs: Hum. Okay.
ギブス：ふぅん、わかった。

Kate: You want to question them?
ケイト：彼らを尋問しますか？

Gibbs: No, they're not going anywhere, and we've got a crime scene to investigate. Rule Number One. Never let suspects stay together.
ギブス：いや、やつらはどこにも行けないし、まず犯罪現場を調査しなきゃな。ルール1、絶対に容疑者たちを一緒にいさせるな。

Kate: Well, I didn't consider them suspects.
ケイト：あぁ〜でも私は彼らを容疑者とは思っていませんけど。

Gibbs: Then why'd you hold them?
ギブス：じゃぁなんで彼らを拘束したんだ？

Tony: Tell me her measurements.
ト二―：彼女の体のサイズわかるか。

Kate: You're pathetic.
ケイト：最低ね。

（patheticは「情けない」とか「みじめ」という意味。「実際の女性に相手にされないから写真を見て想像ばかりしてるんでしょ、情けないわね」って感じなのかな。）

Tony: No, I'm serious. Can you tell if she's five foot four and a thirty-four C, or five foot seven and a thirty-six D? You can't. Not from a photo. That's why we do sketches and take measurements. Thank you.
ト二―：マジな話しだってば。彼女が5.4フィートで、ブラサイズ34Cなのか、5.7フィートでブラサイズ36Dなのかわかるか？写真からじゃわからないだろ。だからスケッチして採寸するわけだ。

Episode 1.2 "Hung Out to Dry"

Tony: Do you jump?
ト二―：飛んだことあります？

Gibbs: Only when I get an electric shock.
ギブス：電気ショックを受けた時だけな。

Tony: That explains the lack of power tools.
ト二―：なるほど、だから電動工具を使わないわけだ。

Gibbs: (referring to the boots) Put 'em on. Can't work a field in high heels.
ギブス：これを履け。ハイヒールじゃ現場で働けないぞ。

（put'em on = put them onを口語調に略したもの）

Tony: Depends on the kind of work you're doing.
ト二ー：どういう仕事をするかによるけど。

Tony: Hey, you could be the NCIS poster girl in that outfit
ト二ー：ヘイ、その服装ならNCISのポスターガールになれるぜ。

Gibbs: How long to find the acid and check out the rest of those chutes?
ギブス：酸を見つけて残りのパラシュートを調べるのにどれくらいかかる？

Abby: Well, I'm flying solo, so at least a day.
アビー：そうね、一人で作業するから、最短でも1日かかると思う。

（パラシュートで飛んで死亡した人のための調査なのでI’m flying soloっと「私は一人で飛ぶから」なんて言ってます。）

Gibbs: Go faster if you had an assistant?
ギブス：助手がいたらもう少し早くできるか？

Abby: Oh, definitely.
アビー：そりゃもちろん。

Gibbs: Okay, (nudges Kate) you got the job.
ギブス：よし（ケイトをつついて）仕事だ。

Kate: I get to do forensics?
ケイト：私が法医学検査をするんですか？

Gibbs: No, you get to schlep for Abby. She gets to do forensics.
ギブス：まさか。君はアビーの小間使い役だ。彼女が法医学検査をする。

（schlepは歩き回るとか動き回るということなので、アビーのために雑用をしろってことです。）

Kate: How'd you get into this?
ケイト：どうやってここ（NCIS）で働き始めたの？

Abby: Filled out an application.
アビー：申込用紙に記入して。

Gibbs: So you gonna do it?
ギブス：そう、で、やるのか？

（you are going to do it?を口語調に縮めたもの）

Tony: What?
ト二ー：何を？

Gibbs: Spend $180 to defy gravity?
ギブス：180ドル払って重力に逆らうか？

Tony: (grinning) Yeah, I think I am.
ト二―（にやにやしながら）たぶん。

Gibbs: Y'know, some of these guys freeze on their first jump. Have to be kicked in the ass to get them out.
ギブス：こいつらの中の何人かは初めて飛ぶとき怖気づくんだ。こいつらを飛ばすにはケツを蹴っ飛ばすしかない。

Tony: Not me.
ト二ー：俺にはそんな必要はないですよ。

Gibbs: Nope. You fall in the category of want to get kicked in the ass on the ground.
ギブス：もちろん。お前は地上でケツを蹴られるタイプだからな。

（fall in the categoryで〜に分類されるってことです。）

Tony: Wow, why didn't you take to me this fast?
ト二ー：わお、なんで俺のことは早く気に入ってくれなかったの？

Abby: You're like a piercing, Tony. It takes a while for the throbbing to stop and the skin to grow back.
アビー：あなたはピアスみたいなものなの、トニー。ずきずきが治まって皮膚が再生するまで時間がかかるでしょ。

Gibbs: Only thing you can use the DNA registry for is to identify a body.
ギブス：DNAの登録情報を使用していいのは遺体の身元を特定する時だけだ。

Kate: Well, there has to be a way around that.
ケイト：何か抜け道があるはずよ。

Gibbs: See? Now you're thinking like an NCIS agent.
ギブス：NCISの捜査官らしい考え方になってきたな。

Gibbs: (looking at his cell phone) Identity withheld.
ギブス：（携帯電話を見ながら）非通知だ。

（Identity withheldで身元が公開されていないことなので、電話の場合は非通知ってことですね。）

Kate: How did you get into NCIS?
ケイト：どうやってNCISに入ったの？

Tony: I smiled.
ト二ー：笑顔を見せたから

Gibbs: DiNozzo, where'd you learn how to write? China?
ギブス：ディノッゾ、どこで字を習ったんだ？中国か？

Kate: I'd say Egypt. Looks more like hieroglyphics.
ケイト：エジプトよ。どちらかというと象形文字みたいだもの。

Kate: If the Captain were a suspect, we would've read him his rights, wouldn't we?
ケイト：大佐が容疑者だったら、彼の権利を読み上げたはずじゃない？

（アメリカでは容疑者を捕まえる時にミランダ警告（黙秘権）を読み上げることになっています。）

Gibbs: Very good, Agent Todd. Very good.
ギブス：よくわかったな。Todd捜査官。偉いぞ。

＜参考＞ミランダ警告（刑事ものでも犯人を捕まえる時に必ず言ってるアレです。）

Tony: Ducky? Why would Gibbs rip his hard line out and dunk his cell phone in a jar of paint thinner?
ダッキー？なんでギブスは固定電話の線を抜いて、携帯電話をシンナーの瓶に浸してるんですか？

Ducky: Oh, dear.
ダッキー：あぁ〜そうか。。。

Tony: What?
ト二ー：何ですか？

Ducky: Oh, I should have realized the time of year. It's his anniversary.
ダッキー：この時期だっていうのは忘れていた。今日は彼の結婚記念日なんだ。
(should have realizedだから気づくべきだったのにっていうこと）

Tony: Which marriage?
ト二ー：どの結婚の？

Ducky: Well, the last one, of course.
ダッキー：そりゃ、最後のやつさ、もちろん。

Tony: Ducky. I'm not following.
ト二ー：ダッキー、よくわからないんだけど。
（followで「ついていく」なので話についていけないということです。）

Ducky: Every year, ex-wife number three gets drunk on their anniversary and calls him repeatedly.
ダッキー：毎年彼の3番目の元妻が結婚記念日に泥酔してしつこく電話をかけてくるんだよ。

Tony: Why doesn't he, ah, change his number?
ト二ー：なんで彼は電話番号を変えないんだ？

Ducky: No idea. In case you haven't noticed, Gibbs is a man of more questions than answers.
ダッキー：わからない。気づいてないかもしれないけど、ギブスってのは解答より疑問の方が多い男だからね。
（自分のことをあまり語らない人だということですね。）

Episode 1.3 "Seadog"

Kate: You mean they actually train you guys how to harass? (Off Gibbs' look) Hey, I'm kidding. Except for Tony.
ケイト：どうやってセクハラするのか指導してるってこと？やだ、冗談よ。トニー以外に関してはね。

Tony: For the last time, Kate, I was only trying to get my seat belt on.
ト二ー：しつこいなぁ、ケイト、あれはシートベルトをしようとしただけだ。

Kate: Right. Seat belt.
ケイト：はいはい。シートベルトね。

（For the last time,は、何度も同じようなやりとりを繰り返していてうんざりしている時なんかに、「もうこれでこの話は最後だけど」って感じで言います。）

（ってことは、トニーではなくて、ギブスがそのレポーターとランチに行くってことです。）

（上で出てきたミランダ警告のパロディですね）

Gibbs: What's that?
ギブス：それはなんだ？

Fuller: Asset forfeiture notice.
ファラー：財産没収通知です。

Gibbs: Don't you have to find drugs first?
ギブス：その前にドラッグを探すべきじゃないのか？

Fuller: I used to worry about rules like that, then I met you guys!
ファラー：昔はそんな風に規則を気にしてばかりいたよ。でも君たちに会って変わったんだ！

Episode 1.4 "The Immortals"

Ducky: Well if you'll excuse me, I'll get our poor seaman out of his wet clothes.
ダッキー：ちょっと失礼して、哀れな水兵の濡れた洋服を脱がせなければ。

Tony: You're not going to say 'and into a dry martini,' are you?
トニー： そのあとに「ドライマティーニを飲もう」なんて言わないよね？

（1942年の映画『少佐と少女』（原題：The Major and the Minor）からの引用です。元のセリフは「Why don't you get out of those wet clothes and into a dry martini?」濡れた服を脱いで、ドライ（乾いた）マティーニなんてどうだい？」です。
映画好きなトニーらしいセリフですね）

Tony: The best IT guy in our office is 22, Harvard. When he gets stuck, he calls his 14 yr old nephew.
トニー：うちで一番のIT専門家は22歳のハーバード出身。彼がわからないことがあると、14歳の甥っ子に電話するんだ。

Tony: Abby, have fun with your MMROPG.
(Tony looks at him)
Gibbs: What?
Tony: MMOR..PG.
Gibbs: Thank you.
Tony: You're welcome
Gibbs: Can I talk to Ducky, now?

Tony: You might want to warn us about what you're working on after lunch, Ducky.
Ducky: Yes. I suppose gazing directly into an exposed digestive system doesn't aid the actual process.
Tony: Not after the meal we just had.

Abby: Oh, and here's the big whoop.
Gibbs: Fine. Whoop me.

Tony: (to Gibbs) When you're a computer geek invading dungeons and fighting ogres, Jethro doesn't cut it. (Gets a look from Gibbs)... Neither does Tony.

Abby: This guy had diarrhea of the keyboard.

Kate: He expressly told me to wait for his call.
Gibbs: I expressly don't give a ****. Ride his a**.

Ducky: You know, Abby, sometimes the dead make more sense to me than the living.
Abby: Me, too.

Tony: Aren't you guys interested at all in what I brought you back from Puerto Rico?
Gibbs/Kate: (sighing) Sure. Fine. (Tony grins and hands them a couple bags, Kate looks in hers)
Kate: You gotta be kidding.
Tony: A bikini. Two-piece.
Kate: A bottom. And a hat?
Tony: Puerto Rican!
Gibbs: Any chance you're going to try that on?
Kate: (tosses it at Gibbs) You first.
Gibbs: (looks over the bikini bottom) Trust me. It's not gonna fit.
Kate: Pigs. I work with pigs.
Tony: (as Gibbs is opening his gift) It's a fantasy RPG book. Complete with character sheets and dice. Baby steps, Gibbs. Baby steps.
Gibbs: It's in Spanish.
Tony: There's just no pleasing you, is there?


Gibbs: Tony, what time did the schmuck's report say the dispersing office was robbed?
Kate: What schmuck?
Gibbs: Well, our schmuck, unfortunately.

Abby: You went to see Ducky before you came to see me!
Gibbs: Is there some kind of priority here I don't know about?
Abby: A girl likes to be thought of first.

Episode 1.5 "The Curse"

Gibbs: Tony you gas the truck
Tony: Uh Gibbs you know most agencies have people who do that sort of thing.
Gibbs: Uh huh...so do we.

Tony: I didn't become an NCIS agent yesterday Kate. As a matter of fact tomorrow...
Gibbs: ...is going to be two years.
Tony: That's kind of touching Gibbs. Remembering the day you hired me.
Gibbs: Yeah, well it seemed like a good idea at the time.

Gibbs: That tank came off a Tomcat. Somebody filed a TFOA report.
Kate: TFOA?
Tony: Things Falling Off Aircraft.
Kate: You’re kidding.
Gibbs: Nope, that’s what they’re called.


Abby: Sailor on the half-shell!

Kate: (regarding the mummy) He's not wearing shoes.
Tony: I kick mine off when I fly.

Gibbs: How could she not know?
Randy: We met at Mark's memorial service.
Gibbs: What'd you say? 'I was passing by, dug the music, decided to drop in'?

Kate: Good news, Commander. It took ten years, but we located your luggage.
Gibbs: “You’re still workin for us; I wanna talk to the on-board NCIS Special Agent in 94.”
Tony: “What if he’s not with us?”
Gibbs: “I wanna talk to the-”
Both: “On board NCIS Special Agent in 94."

Tony: Radar Intercept Officer. Also called a GIB's, one B. Stands for Guy In Back.
Kate: Why do you need two B's?
Gibbs: Second one's for 'bastard'.

Kate: Gotta be decaf.
Gibbs: What?
Kate: All that coffee you drink.
Gibbs: Hi-test.
Kate: Don't you twitch?

Tony: Was it something I said?
Gibbs: Not yet.

Tony: Well it looks like were gonna have to go to Hawaii, Boss.
Gibbs: Now its what you said.

Abby: (in sign language) Tony's weird.
Gibbs: Oh, you're just figuring that out now?

Tony: “I didn’t think you would. He’s considerably younger than you are.”
Gibbs: “What would you consider considerably?”
Tony: “Well the guy was young, Gibbs. Only 28. Makes him 37 now.”
Gibbs: “Then ‘considerably’ would not be an accurate description.”
Tony: “I didn’t realize Boss. How old are you?”
Gibbs: “Doesn’t matter how old I am.”
Tony: “Well it does actually because it gives me a reference point for the word you’re-”

Gibbs: Of course you believe him; it's a chick flick.

Golfer Ben: This is a private club. How did you get in here?
Kate: (exhibits badge and gun) I showed these at the gate.

Abby: Please don't call me Abigail!
Ducky: Well, then, don't yell 'Fore' when I have a niblick in my hand.
Abby: A niblick? Sounds like a sex act.

Gibbs: Do not 'sir' me. I work for a living.

Abby: You went to see Ducky before you came to see me, eh?
Gibbs: Some kinda priority here I don't know about?
Abby: A girl likes to be thought of first.

Tony: You got computers at Pearl?
Owens: Yeah, but ours is on the beach so we can surf on breaks.

Owens: That fingerprint match was faked? Okay, you guys are crazy.
Gibbs: Yeah.

Ducky: You know post mortem details can be extremely revealing. Remember that case four years ago, where the young Marine was buried in an anthill up to his neck?
Gibbs: Duck. It was eight years ago. (Points to a body in the morgue) How did he die?
Ducky: No, it can't be eight years. No, I know it wasn't! Four years ago your third wife hit you over the head with a baseball bat. I distinctly remember the ant-eaten Marine on that table there when I stitched you up.

Tony: I'd say the fastest way would be to take the Beltway to highway 235 south, take that to route 50, and then...punch it into the nav system when we get lost.

Kate: I interviewed LT Schills's widow. They had a child, Alicia, nine years old and she's as pretty as her mom.
Tony: I knew I should've taken that interview.
Kate: She's remarried, Tony.
Tony: Yeah?
Kate: He does this just to screw with me - don't you?

Episode 1.6 "High Seas"

Tony: Five years with Gibbs? Amazed the guy didn't end up in a straitjacket.
Gibbs: What was that?
Tony: Uh, nothing, Boss, just praising your communication skills.

Gibbs: Consciousness will make the interview go much smoother.


Gibbs: Above his mattress, below his mattress, inside his mattress. If there's such a thing as a fourth mattress dimension, go over that, too.

Tony: For a crew that doesn't do drugs, you guys sure do a lot of drugs.

Gibbs: That the best you can do, Stan? After working under me five years?
Burley: At least I don't taint evidence when I bag and tag.
Gibbs: I tripped! One time!
Burley: As I remember, it's because you had your eyes glued to some little...
Gibbs: Do you mind if we get back to the tape now?

Kate: And if someone wanted to beat it?
Lieutenant: Ma'am?
Kate: The system.
Lieutenant: Oh.

Tony: I have no idea what you said.
Kate: Neither do I, but the intent was sincere.

Burley: Gosh, y'know, it's funny how it's all starting to come back to me now.
Gibbs: What's that?
Burley: Tightness in my chest, the upset stomach, all the pleasantries that come with working for you.

Tony: Is this going to turn into one of those guy-girl things where you insist we stop and ask for directions?

Abby: Smart money says that that is not a Tic-Tac.

Gibbs: That pouch may be clear, but my gut is still in living color.

Tony: I say it's time we turn out the lights and play in the dark.

Burley: I have to say, it was like deja vu working with you again, Boss.
Gibbs: Good deja vu or bad?
Burley: Good.
Both: And bad.

Gibbs: You got a little glob on your shirt, Stan.

Stan Burley: I was with the agency for two years before he (referring to Gibbs) looked me in the eyes...
Tony: Really?
Stan: ...three years before he called me by name, and four years before he got it right... by then I'd actually gotten used to Steve.He must really like you.

Tony: Just accept the fact that you're going to get lost.
Kate: Why do you assume I'm going to?
Tony: Because everyone does. Carrier is a big and confusing place first time on board.
Kate: Duly noted.
Gibbs: Numbers are stencilled on the bulkheads. First one tells you the deck level - they're called bull's-eyes.
Kate: Deck level.
Gibbs: Second one, the frame number. Third tells you the compartment's position in relation to the ship's centre line. The last letter tells you what the space is used for.
Tony: Crossing from port to starboard or starboard to port isn't as simple as going straight across.
Gibbs: Sometimes you gotta go up one deck and down another.
Tony: Or down one deck and up another.
Gibbs: Sometimes two.
Tony: It's frustrating.
Gibbs: Not to mention confusing. But you'll get the hang of it...
Tony: ...After you get lost a few times.

Burley: Gibbs, it's Stan Burley. Put down whatever the h*** you're doing with that stupid boat and pick up!

Kate: It's not the same thing, you know.
Tony: What?
Kate: Well, you and Gibbs, Burley and Gibbs.
Tony: I don't know what you're talking about.
Kate: It was a different dynamic, y'know? A different time. You can't compare the relationships.
Tony: Who's comparing?
Kate: All I'm saying is that...things on the surface are not always the same as when you put them in context with the way they actually developed, you know, under the surface, kinda.
Tony: I have no idea what you said.
Kate: Neither do I. But the intent was sincere.

Episode 1.7 "Sub Rosa"

Gibbs: "Cob, I don’t have to tell you what the most important thing is now, do I ?"
Cob: "Get the ice cream back in the freezer"
Gibbs: Yup

Gibbs: Go. Unhydrate.
Kate: Never heard it called that.

Tony: I've never experienced Gibbs without his morning coffee. We're in uncharted waters here, Kate.

Gibbs: (To Tony in re: McGee) Better get Michael Jackson out of here before he ralphs.

McGee: I've heard stories about Special Agent Gibbs.
Tony: Only half of them are true. Trick is figuring out which half.

Gibbs: Whale huggers?
Guard: Yes, sir. Been bugging us for weeks.
Gibbs: Why don't you just shoot 'em?
Guard: I've been tempted.

Tony: (sarcastically) Bet you were a lot of fun in college.
Kate: I was a lot of fun in college.

Kate: I don't see a submarine.
(Sub breaks the surface of the water)
Gibbs: You see it now?

Abby: There's good news and bad news.
Ducky: I hate it when you play this game, Abby. All right, let's get it over with.
Abby: His last meal was a Big Mac and fries.
Ducky: Well, probably half the base had that for lunch. I was hoping you'd come up with something more exotic. Tandoori, perhaps. And the good news?
Abby: I know what's in the special sauce.

Tony: (regarding Abby) Not your type.
McGee: How do you know?
Tony: Have you ever had the slightest urge to tattoo your buttocks, McGee?
McGee: I don't think so.
Tony: Then we need never speak of her again.

Kate: Do people react that way because we're NCIS, or do you just have that effect on them?
Gibbs: I like to think it's me.

(After an emergency blow has sent the sub rocketing to the surface)
Kate: Wow!
Gibbs: Yeah. That's what they all tell me.

Abby: So, what's Agent McGee like?
Tony: Like most newbies: quiet, green, gullible.
Abby: Bi.

Kate: (talking about McGee) I wonder what he said to make Tony speechless.
Gibbs: He told him he got a tatt on his a**.

Ducky: I have good news and bad news.
Abby: I hate payback.

Tony: Nice hat. Did they make you the boat mascot?
Kate: That's your way of saying you missed me, isn't it?
Tony: No.

Gibbs: Drink.
Kate: What's with all the water?
Gibbs: Oh, you gotta hydrate on a sub marine.
Kate: All you've had me doing is hydrating.
Gibbs: Drink it. (she takes a drink) So how's your bladder?
Kate: What?
Gibbs: The COB's at the end of the passageway are trying to keep an eye on us.You gotta distract 'em. (Kate looks at him) You're gonna need help working the toliet.
Kate: Gibbs....
Gibbs: Trust me, Kate, on a Sub Marine it's a very complicated mechanism.
Kate: Is that why you've been shoving water down my throat for the past hour?
Gibbs: I wan to check out Petty Officer Thompson.
Kate: Well, you don't have to drown me.You could just ask.
Gibbs: Hydrating good for ya'.Go, unhydrate.
Kate: Never heard it called that before.
Gibbs: Go on.

McGee: You'll wanna avoid Captain Veech...
Gibbs: What?
McGee: Um. Well. I met him once. Before. He can be very...difficult.
Gibbs: And you don't think that I can be difficult?
McGee: Ah. I'm sure you can, sir.

Episode 1.8 "Minimum Security"

Gibbs: See if you can brand the cologne.
Abby: Why, you want some?
Gibbs: Nope, don't use cologne. Women I date think the smell of sawdust is sexy. Probably why I don't date (pause) many women.

Gibbs: You had better have a good reason for spilling my coffee.

Gibbs: What's wrong with priority rides?
Tony: Come on, Boss, you telling me you like sitting on canvas seats slung between cargo pallets?
Gibbs: Yeah, makes me feel like I'm back in the Corps.

On Gulf Stream Jet
Gibbs: I miss canvas seats.

Tony: Any preference on the remaining bedrooms?
Kate: No. They're both equally crappy.

Tony: Can I drink?
Gibbs: Sure. Sarsaparilla.
Tony: Who drinks sarsaparilla?
Gibbs: Shane.

Tony: Miss me?
Paula: Like herpes.

Gibbs: Why is Special Agent DiNozzo sorry?
Paula: He blew his chance to get laid.

Gibbs: Why is it that women always want to fix what doesn't need fixing?
Kate: Makes us feel all warm inside.
Gibbs: So does scotch, but it doesn't cost you a house.

Tony: Why does the woman thing come up when a ship is sinking or there's only one bedroom with a bath?

Tony: You were the first woman I saw in my endorphin high.
Kate: We work together, Tony. It's like a brother-sister thing.
Tony: Never had a sister.
Kate: It's probably a good thing.
Tony: Just passed Sa'id's room, sis.

Abby: Perfume is expensive, Gibbs. I can't just hang out at the Macy's tester tray with my lab kit. They frown on that sort of behavior.
Gibbs: Buy what you need to, Abby, we'll deal with it later.
Abby: Bold, Gibbs. Bold.

Abby: Perfume is the most powerful accessory a woman can wear.
Gibbs: Yeah, well, how much did all this power cost us?
Abby: Around fifteen hundred.
Gibbs: Fifteen hundred dollars?
Abby: Well, not including the tax. I stuck to the thirty most popular scents hoping we'd get lucky.
Gibbs: Ah, how fiscally responsible, Ab.

Ducky: I don't see Chanel Number Five.
Abby: Does anyone wear that anymore?
Ducky: My mother does.
Abby: Really.
Ducky: Ever since Marilyn Monroe confessed that Chanel No. 5 was all she wore to bed.
Abby: So... does your mother...
Ducky: Unfortunately, yes. Makes for terribly awkward slumber parties.

Gamal: Well, the psychiatrist examined him and is worried for his mental health.
Gibbs: I'm not all that interested in the mental health of people who want to kill me.

Episode 1.9 "Marine Down"

Kate: Gibbs, Don't we have to wait for Ducky?
Gibbs: Kate, it's a dead body, it ain't going anywhere.
Tony: Lets just hope we don't find a mummy in there.

Kate: Gibbs can be wrong sometimes.
Tony: Name once?
Kate: Tony, the man has been married like four times.
Tony: There is that.
Gibbs: There's what, DiNozzo?

Tony: I am a man of action, Kate.
Kate: More like an action figure.
Tony: Why you want to play with me?
Kate: As in, you look good, but you can't really do very much.

Tony: This is so not right. I mean, it’s not like we couldn't have done this in daylight.
Kate: You afraid of ghosts, Tony?

Tony, Gibbs, Kate on Military Plane:
Tony: What are you looking for Kate?
Kate: Um the ladies room? (Gibbs and Tony look at Kate.)
Kate: Okay, the men's room.
Gibbs: There is no men's room.
Kate: Well then where am I supposed to go to the bathroom?
(Gibbs takes out a white plastic bag and gives it to her. Kate looks disgusted, decides she can wait. Finally gives up and snatches the bag from Gibbs.)
Kate: ****. Where?
Gibbs: Well, if you want some privacy, you can go down behind those boxes.
Kate: God, I miss Air Force One.

Tony: And that lying sack of excrement is somehow involved.
(Kate gives him a look)
Tony: What, you'd rather I say lying sack of--(is cut off)

Kate: You shot the hostage's ear off!
Tony: He'll live!

Kate: We screw this up, I have a suggestion.
Tony: What?
Kate: We break into Gibbs' basement, and we set his boat on fire.
Tony: That's cold, Kate. Knew there was a reason I liked you.

Tony: Is that a new perfume, Abby?
Abby: I made it myself. You like it?
Tony: Smells like gunpowder.
Abby: Sweet, huh?

Kate: What's your clearance?
Tony: Confidential.
Kate: Confidential? What'd you do, kill someone in high school?
Tony: Hah! Funny, Kate. No, they screwed up my paperwork with another agent's.
Gibbs: Apparently, DiNozzo died in a car crash last month. Very tragic.

Tony: Gibbs'll get in. He's got clearance that'll let him see the dead aliens at Area 51.
Kate: 'Cause he probably killed them.

Gibbs: Hmm. Looks like someone is deliberately blocking us.
Kate: Or a glitch; everything doesn't have to be a conspiracy against NCIS, guys.
Gibbs: Saying we're paranoid, Kate?
Kate: If the shoe fits...

Gibbs: (referencing Kate's sketch of the fake colonel) I'm impressed.
Tony: Let me see that. (flips through the caricatures) What the...?
Kate: That's personal!
Tony: Yeah, it is! You really see me like that?
Gibbs: I'm really impressed now.


Kate: What does he expect to find from their LES's?
Tony: Come on, Kate, that's like NCIS 101.
Kate: You have no idea, do you?
Tony: Not a clue.

Abby: Well, lucky for you, you got a mixmaster in the hizzouse.
Gibbs: What?
Tony: It means 'house.' You need to get out more, Gibbs.
Abby: Word.

Gibbs: Kate? It was three times. Not four.

Gerald: I'm sorry; I was listening to a football game.
Ducky: You're wearing a CD player.

Tony: He's really pissed off.
Kate: What? How can you tell?

Ducky: Do you people find me boring?
Gibbs: No.
Kate: Of course not.
Tony: Absolutely not.

(After running ground penetrating radar over the grave of any elderly woman and her dog, Fluffy)
Kate: Ewwwww.
Tony: That must have been one lonely old lady.
Gibbs: One pissed off poodle.

Gonzales: If I was rogue, you think I'd be sitting in this office sweating my ass off, Agent Todd?
Kate: I don't know. Let me see your ass.

Gonzales: Now I know why everyone in the CIA hates these guys.

Canton: I can't believe you trusted me.
Gibbs: You sound just like my ex-wife.

Mrs. Peary: Oh, God, what happened to your ear?
Maj. Peary: I'll live.

Tony: Your calling plan include the afterlife, Kate?

Gerald: My grandfather owned a funeral home. We spent a lot of quality time bonding over the embalming table.

Gibbs (referring to bad guy who has gotten away): That’s twice. Next time you are mine.

Tony: The eyes need to be bigger.
Kate: The eyes are fine, the nose needs to be bigger.
Tony: Fine, I'll put out an APB for Pinocchio.
Abby: You guys.....
Gibbs: Welcome to my world, Abby.
Abby: Thanks.

Tony: They yanked my clearance. Now I gotta take a physical to get it back.
Kate: Why's that?
Tony: To prove that I'm still alive.

Kate: Hmm. Well, I hate to break it to you, Tony, but Gibbs can be wrong sometimes.
Tony: Name one.
Kate: The man's been married, like, four times.
Tony: There is that.
Gibbs: There is what?
Tony: Nothing, boss, just discussing the case.
Kate: Or, ah, lack thereof. You still wanna look at those LESs?
Gibbs: I dunno. You figure out how Kidwell died yet?
Kate: I'll, um, I'll just get them in order for you.
Gibbs: Kate. It was three times. Not four.

Ducky: [performing an autopsy then Ducky jumps back in shock] Dear Lord! I believe I know how you died Major. And May the Lord have mercy on your soul!

Gibbs: I wanna know why.
Walsh: That makes two of us, Agent Gibbs. Do you think I like get Marines back in boxes?
Gibbs: Why don't we start with Major Kidwell, and Peary. How they died.
Walsh: That's need to know.
Gibbs: Trust me. I need to know!

(Tony tries unsuccessfully to pull up the records on a dead Marine)
Abby: Here's your problem.
Tony: What?
Abby: You're security clearance isn't high enough. How did he die?
Tony: That's kind of what Gibbs wants me to find out.
Abby: Then it sucks to be you.

Gibbs: If he dies, you die. You don't get past me.

Colonel: You're gonna have to figure that one out for yourself.
Gibbs: What does that sound like to you Tony?
Tony: One of the A's. CIA, NSA....

Gibbs: Morning! Sleep well?
Kate: If by well, you mean violently throwing up all night and bouncing around like rag dolls...
Tony: Then yeah, boss, we slept very well, thanks for asking.
Gibbs: Ah, you get used to it.
Kate: That's what I'm afraid of.

Episode 1.10 "Left for Dead"

Tony: Hey boss, since you're usually up all night, working on your boat, I was wondering ...
Gibbs: No, you can't stay at my place, remember last time?

Gibbs: Let's go, get to work.
Ducky: I don't have a body.
Gibbs: Well, go find one, Duck.

Tony: Did you get contact lenses?
Gibbs: No.
Tony: Laser surgery?
Gibbs: No, DiNozzo, put a sock in it.

Tony: Fall asleep working on your boat again?
Gibbs: Why do you say that, DiNozzo?
Tony: Boss, I know the Farm Report when I hear it. You only have one T.V., and it's in your basement.

Gibbs: She's bonded.
Tony: Kate and Jane Doe?
Gibbs: Oh, yeah. She hasn't even questioned her yet. (voice raises to feminine pitch with sarcastic lilt) Her eyes, they just pleaded for help.
Tony: I love that look on a woman.

Tony: Speaking of dates to work from, we've worked together for two years and, you know, I have no idea where you live.
Ducky: Well, I'd just as well we kept it that way, Tony.

Abby: I suppose you want me to tell you what chastity belt this opens?
Gibbs: Do I look like DiNozzo?
Tony: Not funny, Boss. Besides, I could open a chastity belt.
Abby: Have you ever seen one? Mine's awesome. It's eighteenth-century French.

(machine in lab beeps)
Abby: Gotta whup.
Gibbs: What kind of whup, Abby?

Tony: What's with you and Jane Doe?
Kate: She'll be occupying my spare bedroom so I don't have to say no to you.

Abby: Gotcha.
Gibbs: I love to hear that word outta your dark lips, Abby.

Tony: Wanna know what my vision is?
Gibbs: No.
Tony: 20/10. Same as Ted Williams. He could see the seam on a fastball coming at him.
Gibbs: How about knuckles?

Abby: Like when photocopiers first came out, and people were copying everything from C-notes to their butts.
Tony: You sat your naked butt on a photocopier, didn't you, Abby?
Abby: Yep.

Tony: Gibbs, this is Detective Andy Kochifis. Cut me some slack on the Major Kerry investigation.
Gibbs: Well, maybe he'll do it again.
Kochifis: What, I do it one time, now I'm a *****?
Gibbs: Courtesan, maybe.

Ducky: Jethro, I don't answer forensic questions I don't know the answers to. Why do you keep asking me?
Gibbs: (shrugs) Force of habit.

Tony: What is it with Germans and the alphabet thing? You know, BMW, BMG, BASF, and they're all B's.
Gibbs: I'm resisting the urge to say cut the BS.

Bauer: I was there Friday.
Tony: To kill Richter?
Bauer: How could you ask such a question?
Tony: It's my job.

Gibbs: That son of a ***** is as guilty as hell.

Tony: You remember when I stayed with you that time, when it didn't really go so well?
Gibbs: Yeah, I remember, DiNozzo.
Tony: Well, listen, I was younger then, immature, a little unfocused -
Gibbs: It was six months ago, Tony.

(The scene is Kate huddled in blanket, in shock, alone after the bombing)
Tony: We gotta do something, Boss.
Gibbs: Have you ever made a mistake, Tony?
Tony: According to you or to me?
Gibbs: You.
Tony: Yeah.
Gibbs: Could anyone make you feel better?
Tony: (pause) No.

Gibbs: My door's unlocked.
Tony: I know.

Detective: You're telling me the stooge from Hoover didn't save the man?
Tony: Heck no, it was N-C-I-us.
Detective: Not according to the TV reports.
Tony: When do they get it right?

Executive: Please tell me Suzanne is not dead.
Tony: Suzanne is not dead.
Executive: (stops typing)
Gibbs: Woops.
Tony: Big woops.

Abby: Hey guys. What's you'd find?
Tony: Kate willing to give her bedroom to Jane Doe. But not me.
Abby: (sarcastic) Shocking.

Kate: You as sure he buried her?
Gibbs: Oh Yeah!
Kate: Why'd he want her dead?
Gibbs: I got a couple of ideas.
Kate: Wanna share? (Gibbs hangs up) I guess not.

Ducky: I don't have a body.
Gibbs: Well go find one Ducky.
Ducky: Here?
Gibbs: Sure. How many times have we had multiple victims?

Abby: Like when photocopiers first came out people were copying everything from C-notes to their butts.
Tony: You sat your naked butt on a photocopier didn't you Abby?
Abby: Yup.

Tony: She woke up taking a dirt nap in Rock Creek Park and did a Dracula.
Detective: Oh. That's a new one.

Gibbs: What'd ya got DiNozzo?
Tony: Mudos picked up a Jane Doe in Rock Creek Park. Claimed she dug herself out of a grave. No I.D. and guess what?
Gibbs: She can't remember her name.
Tony: Yeah, how'd you know that?
Gibbs: Well, uh, she's alive and you're calling her Jane Doe. What was my first clue?
Tony: Oh yeah, you're right.
Gibbs: Well it's also obvious seeing that she has no ID so she was probably wearing her uniform.
Tony: Ahaha! She wasn't. So why did the cops call NCIS? Tell me that. (Gibbs stays silent). She told 'em there was a bomb on the Navy ship.

Episode 1.11 "Eye Spy"

Tony: I've weighed exactly the same since the day I graduated from college; never up, never down.
Kate: Certainly you would know. Do you weigh yourself a lot?
Tony: I never weigh myself.
Kate: I see.

Seaman Apprentice Sparks: Just can't stop messing with the uniforms, can they, sir?

Seaman Apprentice Sparks: I'd write a letter, sir.

Tony: Come on, come on, McGee, you said you could do this.
McGee: But I didn't say it was gonna be easy.
Tony: Actually, that's exactly what you said, only on the phone, you ended it with a 'sir.'

Tony: So whatever happened between you and Abby?
McGee: Our paths still cross on occasion.
Tony: Really. Guess the tatt on the old caboose did the trick.
McGee: Among other things.

Kate: We should have had DiNozzo handle this interview. (off Gibbs' look) Just kidding.

Ducky: Well, he certainly was dead on the beach.

Tony: Don't even, okay?
Kate: Did I say anything?
Tony: You were. I know you were.

Tony: You got me thinking, Kate; maybe I should improve my diet.
Kate: When you gonna start?
Tony: What do you call this? (gestures with nutrition bar)
Kate: Bad things masquerading as something good for you.

Kate: Let's see, what do we got here. High fructose corn syrup - basically, sugar. High maltose corn syrup - another sugar. Sugar! Sugar. Fractionated palm kernel oil. That sounds yummy! And contains less than two percent natural flavor. That would make it ninety-eight percent artificial flavor.
Tony: So what are you saying?

Gibbs: You still in touch with that old NASA boyfriend?
Abby: He wasn't a boyfriend, he was a boytoy. And yes. We IM almost every day.
Gibbs: You do?
Abby: Oh, yeah.
Gibbs: That's good, right?
Abby: It's very good.

Kate: Too bad we don't have a photo.
Gibbs: Don't need one; he'll fit the profile.
Kate: A bit geeky, right?
Gibbs: (silly voice) Well, yeah, Kate, something like that.

Kate: Have you ever seen Robert Redford in Three Days of the Condor?
Gibbs: Yes.
Kate: That's a geek I could get covert with.
Gibbs: Kate, I would not get my hopes up.

Gibbs: I'm Special Agent Gibbs. The same agency you haven't heard of before. Only I don't take it personally any more.

Kate: With the exception of finding a decent barber, Gibbs can do pretty much anything he says he can.

Worth: I stumbled across her by accident. She was polar tanning.
Kate: (off Gibbs' look) Nude winter sunbathing.
Gibbs: Must get cold.
Worth: She was, sir.
Kate: And you think that's an appropriate use for a billion-dollar satellite, Jeremy?

Abby: Hey, Gibbs. Do you wanna feel Tony's forearm?
Gibbs: I'll pass.

Kate: Want me to handle it? At least I won't drool.
Gibbs: No. No, DiNozzo took a wave for the team.
Tony: Thanks, Boss.

Gym Manager: Gym's for base personnel only
Tony: Well, I wasn't really planning on working out.
Gym Manager: Obviously.

Gibbs: I try so hard not to be wrong, don't I, Kate?
Kate: You're very conscientious in that regard, Gibbs.

Gibbs: I try so hard not to insinuate, don't I, Kate?
Kate: You rarely insinuate, Gibbs.

Gina: Just really hate tan lines. Don't you?
Gibbs: Sometimes I lay awake at night thinking about it.

Kate: ****! And they were good suspects.

Tony: Her husband was diving on someone else's reef...dipping the fin in the company pool...pinging the wrong pong...

Kate: Wait, wait, wait, you could see that the clubs were left-handed from just a passing glance?
Gibbs: My second wife played golf left-handed.
Kate: So?
Tony: When someone tries to split your skull open with a seven iron, it's not a club you soon forget.

Kate: Just because she golfs left-handed doesn't mean she is left-handed. I golf left-handed, but I bat and I throw right-handed.
Tony: So you go both ways.

Tony: Apparently, Ms. I-Don't-Like-Tan-Lines has found something she does like. Me.

Kate: She didn't look so bad to me.
Tony: It's not that. She's just not my type.
Gibbs: (laughing) Really? Female hard body who likes to take her clothes off is not your type?

Gibbs: Well, she better be getting the message soon, or you're gonna be getting one on a pink slip.

Kate: You know, I bet this is why Number Two came after you with a nine iron, wasn't it? You just refused to sit down and talk things through.
Gibbs: Actually, that wasn't it at all.
Kate: Oh. So, what was it, then?
Gibbs: Seven iron.

Kate: (To Tony after he's "taken a wave for the team) Are you okay?
(No reply from Tony - he just stands there with a stunned expression)
Kate: What is it?
Gibbs: (Visibly amused) Shrinkage

Gibbs: We have the same uncle to write the paychecks. We do what we have to do to get the job done.

Jeremy Worth: I got a little off track
Gibbs: That happens with hot babes sometimes.

Gibbs: DiNozzo has found our polar bear.

Abby: I think Houston has a problem.

(about a dead body)
Gerald: It moved.
Ducky: I don't think so.
Gerald: It moved, doc.
Ducky: Remind me to check our inventory of alcohol swabs. (sees movement in body bag) He certainly was dead on the beach.

Kate: We know the killer was left handed, which eliminates Commander Tyler whose service file confirms she's a rightie.
Tony: We also know the killer's a woman unless Obermaier went Norman Bates on the guy. Actually, when you think about it the MO's match. (Makes stabbing motion at Kate's back)
Gibbs: DiNozzo.
Kate: (turns) What'd you do?

Kate: Your phone has been ringing off the hook. It's driving him crazy.
Tony: Well she is driving me crazy.
Kate: She?
Tony: Apparently Miss I Don't Like Tan Lines has found something she does like. Me.
Kate: And why is that a problem?
Tony: Well let's just say that's she's a lot more appealing from a distance. A geo-synchronous distance.
Kate: She didn't look so bad to me.
Tony: It's not that. She's just not my type.
Gibbs: (chuckles) Really? A female hardbody who likes to take her clothes off is not your type?
Tony: (looks a bit surprised) I guess not.
Kate: Talk to her.
Tony: She'll get the message.
Gibbs: (small smile and nod)
Kate: You know I bet this is why number two came after you with a nine iron, isn't it? You just refused to sit down and talk things through.
Gibbs: Actually that wasn't it at all.
Kate: So what was it, then?
Gibbs: Seven iron.

Tony: You got me thinking, Kate. Maybe I should improve my diet.
Kate: When are you going to start?
Tony: What do you call this? (holding up nutrition bar)
Kate: Uh, bad things masquerading as something good for you?
Tony: This is a nutrition bar. It says so on the label.
Kate: Yeah. Did you read the label? A little... You know one with the ingredients not just the big one with the pretty colors?
Tony: Sarcasm is so not healthy, Kate.
Kate: Neither is that. Let's see. We've got here, high fructose corn syrup. Basically sugar. Uh, high maltose corn syrup. Another sugar. Sugar. Sugar. Uh, fractionate palm kernel oil. That sounds yummy! And contains less than two percent natural flavor. That would make it ninety eight percent artificial flavor.
Tony: What're you saying?

Worth: What's NCIS?
Kate: Naval Criminal Investigative Service.
Worth: [turns and walks away from Kate] I've got nothing to talk to you about.
[walks up the stairs and is met by Gibbs]
Gibbs: I'm Special Agent Gibbs, the same agency you haven't heard of before, only I don't take it personally any more.

Episode 1.12 "My Other Left Foot"

Kate: Where are we going?
Gibbs: West Virginia.
Tony: Almost heaven.Take me home country roads.Old John Denver.

Kate: We're driving to West Virginia to look at a leg?
Gibbs: Belongs to a Marine.
Tony: How can you tell from a leg?

Ducky: I'll tell you what, Gibbs. You find me a liver in that leg, and I'll estimate you a time of death.

Tony: I don't get the whole tattoo thing.
Kate: I'll add that to the ever-growing list of things you don't get.
Tony: Being stuck with a needle thousands of times for a piece of artwork? No thank you.
Kate: It's more than just artwork, Tony.
Tony: On a woman, maybe.
Kate: What?
Tony: You know, on a woman. Means she's up for anything.
Kate: Abby's got tattoos.
Tony: No comment.

Abby: I like that commercial where the guy puts Super Glue in his hardhat, then glued his head to the beam and hung there. I tried that with my little brother.
Ducky: I sense this anecdote doesn't have a storybook ending.
Abby: It does if you like your stories to end with bald seven-year-olds. He still gets mad when I call him Kojak.

Gibbs: All we've got is a tattooed leg, a sock and a boot.
Abby: You're forgetting about our interesting little bit of botanical evidence.
Gibbs: Oh, that, yeah, that. Well, I want the life history, family, where it grew up.
Abby: College transcripts, I know.

Tony: I do believe the die is cast, however; if your parents and grandparents lived to be old, so will you.
Gibbs: I had an aunt who died at seven.
Tony: Just a theory.

Abby: You know what they say about guys with big hands and big feet, right?
Ducky: What?
Abby: They're clowns.

Gibbs: I do not believe in coincidences.
Abby: What about that rock formation on the moon that looks like Jay Leno's chin?

Abby: Cremation? It's a dead end!

Tony: Abs, do you know where Kate has her tat?
Abby: Yep.

Melissa Dorn: You have all the classic traits of a firstborn: confident, pays attention to detail, perfectionist. Difficulty sharing.
Gibbs: Guilty, guilty, guilty... depends.

Melissa Dorn: You know Chinese. Any other hidden talents I should know about?
Gibbs: I can sample the frosting on a cake without leaving a fingerprint.

Tony: What good is it being an armed Federal agent if you can't drive fast?
Kate: You get to shoot bad guys.

Gibbs: Any more tattoos?
Tony: Just the rose on Kate's butt.
Gibbs: It's not a rose.

Tony: You really like small towns?
Kate: Peace and quiet. A place where people know you by name. No Blockbuster and Starbucks on every corner. What's not to like? Tony: Too quiet, everybody knows your name, there's no Blockbuster and Starbucks on every corner.
Kate: Big cities just can't give you what small towns can, Tony. It's a simpler way of life, a slice of Americana.
Tony: One that doesn't include fifty yard line seats to the Redskins or women with full sets of teeth.
Kate: Yeah it always comes back to that doesn't it?
Tony: See... You do get me.

Gibbs: Gunny Vestman. Special Agent Gibbs. N.C.I.S.
Vestman: Recall an M.P. Gibbs. Lejeune. Long time ago.
Gibbs: Could be.
Vestman: He was high and tight.
Gibbs: (runs a hand through his hair) Not exactly long and shaggy, Gunny.
Vestman: Seen sheep dogs shorter.

Kate: You should have seen Gibbs with Melissa.
Tony: He threatened to shoot her?
Kate: Just the opposite, he was flirting with her. I didn't think he had it in him.
Tony: Well he had it in him at some point. He has been married three times. All red heads.
Kate: But Melissa is a red head.
Tony: That explains it.
Kate: So is that women who picks him up now and then. Who is she?
Tony: Not a clue.

Gibbs: What's wrong?
Abby: Look at it.
Gibbs: Looks like a match.
Abby: Precisely.
Gibbs: Good work, Abby.
Abby: No, it's not! You gave me 2 samples form the same tree. B matched and A didn't. I screwed up.
Gibbs: Sycamore A was from a tree down the street.
Abby: What?!
Gibbs: The idea of matching plant DNA was a bit...hinky for me.
Abby: Oh, ye of little faith!
Gibbs: Abby, c'mon! All I did was give you a blind test.
Abby: Well, you could've done that by not telling me which sample was from the suspect's sycamore!
Gibbs: I didn't think of that.
(Abby whacks him)